A day of nothing

Did I mention that I'm on a three week Easter holiday? Yea, and so I am off from uni for three weeks.

SO what have I been doing?? Absolutely nothing...

Take today for instance...woke up about 12+, watched stuff on my laptop, got something to eat, chatted and it was time to cook dinner. There goes my day. WOW...SOOOoo productive eh? Well, at least tidied my table (a little).

Yesterday, was a little more productive. Coz I went out to town to do grocerry shopping. I used to love doing groceries and walking around finding the best bargains, but now its such a chore la. And to lug all the heavy chicken, meat, apples, oranges, bread, milk and vegetables back...AIYA, tiring la. Walking 15 mins with all these heavy stuff in the gloomy rainy wet weather...not fun la.

Oh, and on Monday I had to walk to town TWICE meaning a total of at least an hours walk. Why?? Coz I am so clever. I went to town wanting to post a card, bank in my pay and buy vegetables. Brought the cheque and card. And just I was queueing to withdraw cash, congratulations Lynn, you forgot to bring your purse. Which means, I cant post the card, coz I got no cash on me, and I cant bank in the cheque coz I dont have my debit card. ANd no vege la, coz no money ma!
Walked back to get it, settled the post office and bank, and went home. Where's the vegetables? Forgot lor!! HAIZ! I didnt bother going to town again...15 mins walk in the drizzle? No thank you.

Working tomorrow, so have to get up early. @_@

Complete

Its been ages since I've listened to the song 'Complete' by The Parachute Band. Basically, I stopped listening to it, because it was my favourite song at one point, that I listened to it over and over and over again, until I became 'numb' to the lyrics.

Listening to it again, somehow I just feel moved by it again. Like how I was touched and moved the first time I listened to it. It has not been an easy ride these few weeks...and honestly,I am still broken and frail. But this song just reminds me of His strength and power in helping go through tough times.

So I lift my eyes to You Lord,
In Your strength will I breakthrough Lord,
Touch me now,
Let Your love fall down on me,
I know Your love dispells all my fears,
Through the storm I will hold on Lord,
And by faith I will walk on Lord,
Then I'll see,
Beyond my calvary one day,
And I will be complete in You.

Thank you Lord...

Easter

A very late Easter blog.
Good Friday and Easter didnt mean anything to me for the pass few years. In fact, I dont think I even knew when it was. Good Friday was just another Friday, and Easter Sunday was nothing but a normal Sunday. No church, no service, nothing.

This year, was slightly different. The cross just had so much more significance. How Jesus died for our sins, and His blood washed us clean. Yea, its like...everybody knows it. But it was because of what Jesus did on the cross, that we dont have to carry any sort of burden, grief, sorrow or problem. Even though we know that...times when we're laden with problems, we often forget. And we just tend to rely on our own strength, forgetting that we just have to call out to Him.

I miss my friends back home. There's nothing like them...its like i can say anything i want, like just pour out my heart, and they dont judge me, or think otherwise...

I'm sleepy....

Counting down the days...

Easter holidays have just begun. I've 3 weeks off. Nothing planned, except cell retreat at Peak District. My boss approved my leave, thank you God!

Booked my flight for the 24th May, just a day after my last paper. Arriving 25th May, and YAY! my summer hols starts. :D So how many more days?? 60??
Cant really get too excited just yet about going home. One more assignment and 2 major final papers to complete...shouldnt be much of a problem...

I miss my baby so much...

Sleep please?

I hate it when I'm working the next morning, but I cant seem to fall asleep the night before. Coz I get terribly tired the next morning when I have to do loadsa waitressing and washing up. Shuut!

I'm yawning every 5 mins, but I'm not rested. I cant seem to fall asleep!!!

And, tomorrow is a Bank Holiday coz its Good Friday. But I'm still working, coz i got no day off. Stupid Oggy Oggy! Everyone has holiday, offices are close. Shuuuut them! And that just means more customers, and more work!

And it they dont give me leave for cell retreat, I'm just gonna quit.

For now...Lynn, please go to sleep...*sigh* How do I stop myself from thinking...

Heavy hearted me...

Did I ever mention how much i miss home? I can't explain how much I miss home. *sigh* I have to admit that a big part of home is him.

Its not that I hate Coventry, but its just not home...and I miss home.

Exam timetables came out today...looks like I am going home end of May. I really did hope that it would have been earlier, as in my paper finished earlier...but Oh No, it just had to be at the end. *sigH* He's hols barely coincides with mine now. :(

And so, its such a depressing day. Probably said some wrong things(again) and guess what...I'm still me. How much I try to change, I'm still me.

'A friend who cares'

Hahahahahahaha!

And so he is really 'a friend who cares' and not the physco person i thought he was.
All cleared up now... :)
Thanks for the encouragement, and...sorry for the misunderstanding.
CHEERS!

Brighter days

Submitted two assignments today, another one to be completed and handed in tomorrow. YAY! Then, Easter break for 3 weeks! YAY!

I managed to borrow a phone from my friend, since he has a spare one. Thank God for friends. A few friends offered their extra phones. Thank you... :)

Exam time table is still not out! Which means that I cant book my flight home yet... Aaah! Stupid Coventry Uni, so inefficient!

Thats it! :)

Oh ya, and for the 'a friend who cares' person, I'm sorry, but until u reveal who you are, I will not allow any commenting. I think I have the right to know who's advice I am getting, and there are some people who I would choose not to have any contact with. No offense if you're not the person...I hope you understand.
Cheers!

Its not just a phone

Walking into the bus station office...it was really hard to hold back the tears when that guy told me that my phone was lost. Well, I didnt cry. I remember saying "God, let me be strong."
I've just got something agaist crying in public...

After running around in circles for an hour just to get the dumb old Nokia phone back, it was just dissapointing. From the bus stop to the library, from the library to the classroom, from the classroom to the bus station. I think I've explored the whole Pool Meadow bus station, from the waiting stands down to the garage because of that stupid phone.
I missed handing up my assigment because I had to get it back.
I missed returning my overdue library book, because I had to get it back.

Its wasn't just the phone, it was the SIM card in it.

It wasnt just the SIM card, it was the 20 pounds credit in it.

It wasnt just the 20 pounds, it was the lovely messages sent by my baby...

Promises he said, words of assurance, encouragement...those words that kept me sane and kept me believing.

But I guess I dont need those messages to reassure me, coz the real person is waiting back home ever so patiently... :)

Bring it all on me

The only thing nice about today, is that the weather is nice...other than that, I just wanted to jump off KLCC, or dig a hole and bury myself in it.

Here goes:
Lazy Lynn decided that she would take the bus to uni today, because the 30 minutes walk felt way tooooo tiring. And so, she waited for bus 33 which stops her just outside her building. The bus came, she got on it. When she arrived at her stop, she got off the bus, and just as the bus drove on, she realized that...her handphone/mobile wasnt with her. It struck her that the phone had fallen out from her pocket. It was impossible to chase the bus, and so she ran to the library to look for her friend Michael.
Used Mike's phone to call her own phone...no reply. To cut the long story shorter, she got news that the bus driver had gotten hold of the phone and so she could pick it up at the bus station an hour later. *phew* What a relieve.
At 3 o clock, she reached the bus station garage and went hunting for the right place to collect her phone again. After walking round and round, she finally managed to find the correct place. She was then taken into a room...where a man told her
"The bus driver found your phone. But, he left it on the dashboard, and someone else stole it from him. And so, I'm sorry your phone is lost." How frustrating can that get. After running around in circles, you get absolutely nothing. To make matters worse, class didnt go well. I was suppose to hand in my assignment today, to be marked by the tutor itself...but he didnt want to pass me. So I have to do it AGAIN, and pass it up AGAIN. DANG!

I have no phone...I got 3 assignment due in 3 days time...and I'm just soooooooo tired.

Anybody wants to shoooot me??

Random pictures

A collection of pictures, that I never seem to remember to post up, because of dunno what reason. I might as well do it today...

Birmingham


Birmingham shopping

Warwick Malaysia Night


Warwick Malaysia Night: me, Jia En and Adeline

Frankie and Benny's dinner


Two hungry people waiting for fooooood!


The Brownie Sundae I shared with Josh







Thats it for now! :)

Stuck in the middle...

Two people you love, and both telling you the same thing, but a different version.
Who are you suppose to listen to?
No one's right, no one's wrong...you're just stuck in the middle.
You dont want to agree with either of them...but both seek for your acknowledgement...
How?

Deep in me

You know sometimes when you wanna explain yourself, and say something, but you dont know how to?

I really want to blog out my feelings, but I just dont have the right words. I can't explain myself.

Saturday work and tiredness

Work has become such a chore. Manual labour...UGH!

Standard sentences I use:
"Hiya, eating in or takeaway?

"Eating in? Have a seat, there's a menu on the table. I'll come down to you in a bit." *smile*

"Takeaway? Alright, what would you like? Hot or cold? Anything else with it sir? Its 5 pound fifty altogether, thank you. Here's your change. Would you like a carrier bad? Thank you very much. Byee!" *smile*

"What would you like? Would you like extra portions of beans with it? How about gravy? Any drinks? Tea, coffee? Thank you." *smile*

"Toilet...go in that door, down the stairs and turn left" *smile"

Standard orders I get:
"Lynn!! Have you served that table??"

"Lynn!! Can you cover the till!"

"Lynn!! Clear that table!"

"Can you run down to the freezer to get...."

"Fill up the milk"

"Start the washing"

Things I hate about work:
1. Seeing my manager's face. She thinks she's so smart just coz she took a management course. Mind you, she's blind and deaf...and did i mention, no brains?
2. Washing dishes, ovens and baking trays. My lovely hands are coarse and dry. Boo hoo. I no longer have 'siu cheah' hands.
3. Going into a -18 degrees celcius freezer to get stock. Sometimes, I stay in there for half an hour. Brrr...
4. Having customers who are demanding. They give me a stupid face and say rude stuff, even though its not my fault. For instance, if the pasties are not ready, they scold me, instead of the person who bakes them. I'm just the waitress!!
5. Having to *smile* although I had a totally bad day, or I just got told off (for no reason) by my C 2 pid manager.
6. Having to listen to my manager bitch about the bosses. I'm no apple polisher ok, but I like my bosses coz they're nice.

Thing(s) I love about work:
I get paid 5 pounds per hour. RM35 an hour...worth it?

Its a boring job, with useless people that make my working life miserable.
They bully me...coz I'm young and foreign. IDIOTS!

Hiya!!

Today, has been peaceful. No emotional flares, and a pretty good day at work. I really have no motivation to go to work, except for the money.

Had a good chat with him after work. I guess I was in a good mood, and so was he, so we didnt argue. Or maybe there was nothing to argue about anymore.
And so we talked about how he was, and we mentioned the ball again. It still pricks me...but not as bad.

What if...something happens between them?

Will he be nicer to her??

How will it be like?

Lynn Lynn...stop it!

Hey girls out there...am I being stupid? What will u do if u were me??

And by the way, those of u people from some university in Malaysia, my bf is not, I repeat NOT buaya ok! Stop the rumours! He's taking Miss 'V' to the prom with MY consent ok? And I am allowing it!
And...Miss 'V', if you're reading this, have a great time ok? ^_^ You're lucky to have him!

I'm on a emotional roller coaster, I'm crazy yet sad... I dont get myself! :P

Oh, forgot to mention, my english is reallllly atrocious. You are so right Ee Yan, cant blame u for 'kutuk-ing' me...
I used the word 'teached' today...i was so embarassed. Talk about spelling too... opscene? LOL! At least I got atrocious right...(I hope).

Hit me on the head please

You know when do something without thinking, and it just makes things go worse, or you make another person suffer, or screw up something for another person.
Or when you say something without thinking, and you suddenly made the other person sad and upset.
Guess what, I did that twice in 2 days. I just feel like hitting myself in the head...or flushing down my head in the toilet bowl.
Worse is that the other person screwed up so bad, that he/she starts hating you. And there goes the friendship...
*sigh*

Anybody feel like hitting me??
Be my guest!

Another try

This week has been rocky, starting from Monday when i got the news.

I think those people I've shared with would be disspointed with me, but yes, I'm trying again.

Someone I was talking to was really direct. Said things that hurt, yet I'm forced to admit its true. I am forcing myself to believe, I am forcing myself to trust.
2 months more...
Long live LDR!

Some things, i will never understand

I've been holding it in but now i can take no more. As i talked to a friend for words of comfort, i find none, and I cant go on lying to myself. And so I break down.

Am i stubborn not to understand? Is it me being overly possesive? Am i forcing myself to believe?

Whats wrong with blogger at home?

I cant seem to post anything at home. Blogger aint seem to respond!!!

Kaulah segalanya

Mungkin hanya Tuhan
Yang tahu segalanya
Apa yang ku inginkan
Di saat saat ini

Kau tak akan percaya
Kau selalu di hati
Haruskah ku menangis
Untuk mengatakan yang sesungguhnya

Kaulah segalanya untuk ku
Kaulah curahan hati ini
Tak mungkin ku melupakan mu
Tiada lagi yang ku harap hanya kau seorang.
-Ruth Sahanaya-

Make sense?

Its happening

I bit of more than i could chew. I chewed more than i could swallow.

And so, I'm stupid. Is it that fun challenging yourself?

Is it that fun cutting yourself just to see the blood ooze out?

I'm such a saddist now.

And so I am the same

Had a great weekend, with nice dinners and a great All England final. Tired but good. Lotsa lepaking...which i havent done for months.

And so its Monday again. Uni again, the week starts again.

Was about to retire to bed, and was just staring at my desktop wall paper. Brought back so much memories, and I started thinking...and darn, I just felt so down. Three years ago, it was me, but now, it may not be. The more i looked at the wallpaper, the sadder I became, and so I just had to change it. Cant bear looking at it and feeling sad again.

And so, I'm still the same...just the same as yesterday. Am I expecting to do something i never can?

Today

Worked the whole day. Tiring, but other than that nothing to complain.
Came back, talked to Ee Yan for a while. I'm starting to feel comfortable talking about stuff which really got me worked up last time, which is a good sign i suppose.
Although I'm not feeling upset by anything, i know that I havent completely gotten over it. The laying down at the cross continues...
My friend says he misses his baby...which makes me start feeling all sad too. :( I miss my bf too. We'll just be sad together...

It hurts

As much as I want it to go away...it still hurts.

I cant sleep...coz it hurts.

I think its called heart-burn.

I must have eaten too quickly.

Lord, I'm amazed by You

I think God is just so great. And i think i'm crazy, coz i feel like crying, but I'm not sad. Its an undescribable feeling!

God breaks me down, and when I practically have nothing left, I am forced to run to Him. It really amazes me how He taught me how to surrender and lay everything down at the cross. And really that is when I felt His peace. The feeling of serenity and calmness.
But I guess surrendering is a continuous process. Again I faced problems, and again I had to surrender. Its still hard, its still challenging, I still struggle.

Very often, I am so blinded by the problem. I ask God for help, I pray about the problem but I forget to praise Him. It is really a challenge to praise Him whole heartedly through tough times...

I guess its a blessing how God reveals Himself to us through times like this. Its times like this when we experience a true touch from His mighty hand. He breaks me up, and mends me back again...this time stonger.

Praise God!

Whats with the A's?

SPM results has just come out in Malaysia, and I was just browsing through some news at my local online newspaper The Star.

So, the article talks about how well this student does, scoring 17 1A's, the best ever in Malaysian history. And another article reports that this guy who cooks for his family manages to score 16A's. So what if he cooks for his family?!

Every year, students in Malaysia will just take more and more subjects in order to beat the last years top scorer. And...just for the sake of scoring A's. Whats the whole point??? It just annoys me how kiasu they are, and how they tell their grandmother's story, and so call give advice on how they scored so many A's. Its obvious that these students just take the subjects to get A's.

Get a life!!!!

My daddy!

Forgot to mention...

I had my MSN nick as "Lord, I surrender" last night. And, my dad came online, and obviously saw that. I was asleep at that time, and so when he messaged, I didnt reply.
Anyway, when i woke up this morning and signed into MSN(somehow, my connection got cut off in the middle of the night), he messaged again.
"Lynn! Lei hark sei ngo la!! Are you ok? Why is your nick like that?"
Translation: "Lynn! You scared me to death!! Are you ok? Why is your nick like that?"

Really, I was scared because I didnt know what he would say about my nick. I was ready to face the questions about "Lord" and was worrying how he would take it. Instead, he was just merely concern about whether I was facing any problem.

Could mean two things...
1) He has accepted it
2) He dosent understand what "Lord, I surrender" means.

I still think of what he'll say or how he'll react. Somehow, he still refuses to accept christianity... Whats it gonna be like when i go back? I would want to go to church...will I be strong enough to say so??

Any consolation, my relationship with my dad has been great these 2 years. There is a change in him, there is a closer bond now. I talk to him about almost everything...but one thing that I darent touch, is still religion...christianity.

Really praying that God will continue to change him... Really praying for his salvation, but things dont seem too optimistic.

Praise to Him

I always have an urge to blog when I'm doing my assignment...Hmmph!! But, why not take a 5 minute break... :)

Bumpy bumpy days. Although I knew that all i had to do was to run to Him lay down my burden at His feet, I didnt. How stupid of me to think that I could handle things by myself. But really, God broke me down until I had to run back to Him. And slowly He's mending me again, to be someone who really trusts Him.

I admit, I still worry about whats going to happen. I still get caught by jealousy. But I do believe that God has shown me a different perspective. I may not know what will happen, but I do know that I always have a place of comfort, and all I need is to run to Him.

Commitment was a word used often these few weeks. I questioned people's commitment in friendships and relationships. It may not relate to you at all, but because the word 'commitment' was in my mind, I suddenly questioned my own commitment to God. As much as I wanted someone to be commited to me, my commitment to God wasnt really all that great. Going to church EVERY Sunday, dosent show how commited I was. I did need a 'wake up call'. Have no idea what to do yet...but will do something.

I'm still not perfect. A lot more to change. I trust I will, by the Power of His love. :)

Another test?

Its so annoying. Just as I find peace, I get provoked again and its just annoying me. I'm like shouting at myself "Lynn! Whats wrong with you! Why cant you overcome it!!"

Just to explain a little bit, I read something, which maybe means nothing, but it made me...ummm, not so easy. Dosent explain a lot huh. Why why why am I like that! Ugh!! Just as I thought that I'm alright...I'm just realizing that I'm still the same same same Lynn. Why aint I trusting!!!!

Jazz-zie night

Went for the Warwick Big Band gig tonight. I'm not really a fan of jazz, but I do enjoy light listening. So, this was my first time I ever heard jazz live, and yes, it was really good. Well, the main reason I went was coz Josh was playing, and so...support la abit. But really, it was great. I can still hear the light tunes and rhythm :)

Had dinner with Adeline(Li) before the gig at Leamington. It was good, not just the food, but I think I never ever had a 'proper' conversation with Ade real life. Ade's fun, Ade's cute... :) And...she can talk alot! :P

*NOTE*
NEVER EVER WEAR OPEN FOOT SHOES DURING WINTER, IF YOU'RE GOING TO WAIT FOR A BUS.
Thanks to my stupidity and ignorance, I had to wait(for half hour) in the cold, and my feet was absolutely numb. Yea, laugh at my stupidity...I swear I'll never do that again!

Current mood: Tired

I'm at peace

First of all, thank you all for your great support and words of encouragement. I truly appreciate your words of comfort and advice. Thank you...
And specially to this friend who really gave in time and patience in listening to me, giving me a wider perspective and somehow supporting me...thank you!

This week has truly been challenging, and I would choose not to go into detail in what happened. It certainly was a 'nightmare', and has taught me much. Sleepless nights has finally come to an end(I hope).

It was the final part that I needed to do, which was to surrender everything to God. I am still learning. Limited was my power, but now...I find peace and comfort in Him. I am not perfect, and probably will never be, but I guess I will keep on learning along the way.

I've held on too thightly to something I so loved, and maybe I had been too possesive. I will try to change...I promise.

As Di said, "Let him spread his wings, and if he's yours he'll come back to you." It does make sense, right?

Will history repeat itself?

4.45am, woke up a little and started thinking a whole lot.

6 months ago, the problem of 'waiting' arose. Much tears and arguments through the decision of 'waiting', and I guess the final decision made me happy.
Was it a rushed decision? Some say it was, but with more than 3 months to think about what to do...would that still be called rush??
I admit that I forced the decision to be made my way. And if I didnt, the decision might not have been the same...
I thought the decision will follow through and will be out of the question, but I was so wrong. 6 months time, the same decision will have to be made again.
I think it is merely because the first decision was forced...and as much as I dont want to force this decision again, I cant help feeling bitter about this whole 'waiting' situation. 4 years...and thats not enough to wait?
And the more I want to let go...the thighter I hold onto it.
I am just so stubborn...

Random sentences...

I've got a thousand of things to blog about now, but everytime i try to write about something, i dont know what to write. Its like i cant explain what i want to say. Or maybe, I'm not even sure of what i want to say.

Its so hard to know what's right and best in our lives. And its so hard to know who's in the wrong when things dont go right.

I sat down for an hour, and I started thinking about what I did wrong. About restrictions, and about my attitude. Whoa, I realize I was in the wrong a lot of times. I do admit it...but somethings, I dont know why I'm wrong...and no one is gonna explain it to me.

Honestly, I try so hard to change. To not be a jealous person...I did think that I was getting somewhere. I did think that I could trust, but I guess it was all wrong.
And sometimes, after you think you've achieved something and you're so looking forward to achieve more, someone just comes and tell you that everything you've done is all wrong. How discouraging can that be...

What about putting your hope into something, and after hoping for so long...things dont go the way you wanted it to be...

Or maybe, doing something that you thought was perfect and right, and suddenly someone tells you that you've got everything wrong.

As much as I want to take it to God...I dont know what to pray for. Coz...I don't know what's going on?? Then maybe I should ask God what's going on...
Or do I know whats going on, but I refuse to acknowledge it??

My expectations are way too high even for me to keep up. What more people around me... Just like how I expect the best for myself, and when I fail to get the best, I get worked up about it...

I wonder how long it takes to build up trust again. Did I do the right thing??

I'm so looking forward to going back for summer. Counting down the days(as my MSN nick tells you). BUT at the same time, I dread to face what will happen when i go back. Even worse, when decision time comes again when i've to leave... Whats the decision this time??

A lot of things I do, i know i dont have to do it. And people actually say "I didnt ask you to do it!" So...should I still continue doing it? Maybe I should spend all my work money on things for myself, rather than saving it up for some other purposes. Coz, i'll probably be told "I didnt ask you to save it!"

I'm really trying to be selfless. I'm trying to be more understanding. I'm trying not to restrict anymore. But...there are things that I have my stand on, and definitions that I still believe in...

HUH?? What am I trying to say??

Confused yet?? I am....

Two in a row

I fell, and even before i could get up, I fell again.
I'm not that strong u know...spare me! I cant afford to fall the third time...