Why disappointed??

I'm mad at myself for being disappointed soooo easily. Anything that doesnt follow my plans, and I'm all frustrated. And worse, I get MORE frustrated coz I know I shouldnt be frustrated. Trivial things...I hate being such a loser. I hate being so not understanding.
What the heck is wrong with me!?
Question of the day
Why am I so stupid not to accept things that I should??

Been out quite a bit. I was stubbornly fighting my tiredness although I had only 12 hours of sleep in 4 days.
Things have been easy on me. I suppose I myself choose not to let little bits of things bother me and the question on making my stand, although i am still so uncertain of what us going to happen, I can say I'm not so worried about it.
Dont think I will go to church this Sunday, due to some circumstances...but I hope it will just be this week that I will give it a miss.

Question of the day
I find it frustrating when I get upset over something which i know shouldnt bother me at all. Why am I so stupid not to accept things that I should??

I'm back

Sorry for the so very late great announcement that I have arrived safely in Malaysia.

My appetite has dropped tremendously, which means I have the same appetite that I had before I went to Coventry. And for those of you who dont know what I mean, just say that I can go through not eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I dont have any cravings for snacks ar any other junkies. And so I've not been eating well at all, much to my despair, coz really I was looking forward to the food. Hopefully my appetite will pick up...

Feels good to be home, and funnily I feel like I've never left home. Its just so great to move around in a surrounding so familiar to me. But somehow, I still miss my friends in Coventry. Was on the plane when my cell had a little gathering and I actually was thinking about what games they were playing...and how fun it would be. Did you guys play the 'number game', mafia, empires, UNO?? Did you guys sing silly songs again??

Missing Coventry, but at the same time looking forward to enjoying summer in Malaysia...

The ending of a chapter

I was going through a few blogs, and a lot of them were about how bad their life was. Sad, disappointing, upseting type of entries. Their conclusion...2005 was really a s*cky year.

It is end of the university year for me. In less than 8 hours, I'll be on plane, on my way home. And here I am thinking about this whole 9 months I have spent in Coventry.
Was it a good year, or bad year??
I have grown so much since I came. Spiritually. Well, I know I grew in size too...coz they're tons of clothes i cant wear anymore. But yea, the wonders of drawing closer to God, getting to know Him like I've never before...it was truly amazing. The friendships built, the support I got from leaders, the fellowship I never ever experienced before, it was amazing. How I was 'forced' to turning to and relying on God and no one else.
It wasnt a stroll through the park, but I suppose I learnt and am still learning that God is indeed in control throught the storm.

The step of faith I am gonna take...I dont think I am quite that ready yet, but I think I will be when I need to be. Now's not the time to plan my words, or think of ways to speak the truth.
Mark 13:11
Whenever you arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking but the Holy Spirit.

I guess the whole chapter of "First year at Coventry" is gonna end. But I'm looking forward to "Summer in Malaysia" and the trials and lessons awaiting me.

Emotional

I had been extremely emotional yesterday and today. As a result, I woke up looking like a goldfish. And yea, I blammed it all on my flu, exam stress and staying up late to study, when the truth was that I didn't touch any books/notes or do ANY work yesterday.

But seems like things have been cleared up now. Thank you God for peace and comfort. And though the choice that seems 'correct' is not what I would personally want to do, I do have peace with it now. But then again, I'm so prone to emotional mood swings that anything might just make me upset and I'll lose the moment of peace and serenity.

How true it is, that when we're faced with times of trouble, all we need to do is just sing our hearts out to God, and praise Him, instead of mourning by ourselves. Honestly, I didn't feel like going to church this morning, with the excuse that I was tired coz I didn't sleep well last night. What a stupid excuse huh...but deep down, I knew I needed encouters with God, I just needed God so badly. And truly, He didnt fail me. Message was great.
Let God's pure love cast away all your fears.
So true but yet I so often forget...

Oh yea, during worship, (cant remember what song) suddenly I heard some guys voice singing super loud, as in his voice was drowning mine, coz I could hear his voice much louder than my own, coming from the back. Okay la, luckily it wasnt out of tune la. Anyway, coz his voice was so loud, the lyrics of the song was so so clear to me, and it just was such an encouragement.
I live for You
I place no one above You,
To walk with You
Always, always
To talk with You
And feel Your breath on my face
How amazing
How amazing You are
Anyway, guess who was the one singing soooooooo loudly!
WEI LIANG! Nothing bad la...good to sing out loud! :D

And so it was more goodbye's after church. Which added the extra emotional bit. Sad to know that it will be a really really long time till I meet some of them again.

I really wonder when the will it be the next time that I get to go to church. Lord, please open doors for me....

Suffocating

The bottom line is, I can't please everyone. I'm suffocating.

Although dad's compromising, I know he wants me to go.

Although he says its alright, I know he is disappointed.

I'm not a fool...

Who shall I please?

Its such a long day today. When everything seems so smooth sailing...there comes the storm, and everything just turns gloomy again. What is the right thing to do? What does God say?

Either way, someone will be disappointed. And either way, I wont feel good. My dad's been great, I know he's trying hard to understand and compromise with me. And so I dont want to disappoint him. But my bf's scheduled his baptism so I would be back for it. And this was planned way before my dad's plans. It isnt fair to him either!

I guess I can never please two people at one time. And so who shall I please?
God.
I suppose I havent talked enough to My Heavenly Father to make a decision yet. I just feel like I need to talk to him so badly...

And so although I havent done ANY work today, I think I'm gonna spend the rest of my night talking to Him; my comforter, my closest friend, my everything.

Choices

Why do I have to choose? And what do I do when my decision makes either party upset? How do I make the decision then??
For this one time, I dont feel like going home. I want to run somewhere so far away and hide...

Frustrated

What can be worse than tons of memorising and an upcoming flu.
Got out of bed today with a silly heavy head, half runny and half blocked nose, and a very irritated throat. Arghhh!! And I have one whole chapter more of law to cover. I've been going through the same pile notes for 2 days, and d*mn it I can't get the law cases right! What happen to the good memory i had!!

And so with the frustration of short term memory loss building up, I am in a super snappy mood. My upcoming cold aint helping either.
Should I take flu medicine and go to sleep, or should I just bear the flu and continue studying? I've been pumping myself with Vitamin C and drinking extra amounts of water...but it doesnt seem to be working.

Ultimately, I am just so frustrated with my poor memory. Because I just know I can do better...but all of a sudden my brain has just gone woozy. And that just frustrates me to the max!

El amar él

El pensamiento en la reunión él otra vez me consigue muy excitado. Apenas como cómo me sentía la primera vez mí fui una fecha con él...

The little ant

I remember how i used to play with the ants on my kitchen floor when I was young. I would put a lil piece of paper or something on it, and see it struggle to run away. How sadistic...

I dont know whether its good that my heart is 'burdened' with the passion of going to church. I kinda worry that after I'm all hyped up and eager to do something so strong and real for God, i start to get discouraged when things dont turn out the way I want it to be. I've fallen coz of that before...I dont want to fall again.
Taking a step of faith. How I always know that I'm struggling so much because of my lack of trust in Him. At times like that...all the "what if's" start flooding my mind.

I feel like the little ant, trying to move forward...using all its strength, even though it is burdened.

why wHY WHY??

Some things I dont understand. But I cant ask...
Why why why!?

Friends that come and go

It just makes me all sad to see that a person, once your very good friend suddenly just doesnt want to talk to you anymore. Its not like you never tried keeping contact, but they just aint wanna speak to you, and there's no reason given.
Someone who you could talk to about anything, someone who could cheer you up, happy times spent together...what's left now? Just fond memories and nothing more.
Yea, its just another of those friends that you lose contact (forever)...but sometimes I just wanna know why they choose to cut all ties. Am I that bad a friend? Am I that scary a person? If only I could get an explanation...

Stressing day!

Hi there!
One paper down, one more to go. And how did it go? Ok la...ok only la. Questions were answerable, but how well I answered, I dunno. Was reading some discussion about the exam on WebCT, and suddenly I realized that I might have gone out of point for one of the questions. *panic* Whats done is done I guess...

Was walking home clutching my file(containing law notes, which btw, law exam is in 10 days time), and stopped by Sainsbury's and Iceland to get a few things. Walked out from Iceland...la la la...reached home, put the things in the kitchen. AND THEN...*shoot* where's my law notes?! Check the table, no file..check my bag, no file...the kitchen top, no file! My so very important law notes that I so desperately need!! I must have left it in one of the supermarkets. First thought that came to my mind..."run back to Iceland to look for it". Okay! So I dash out of the kitchen, and out of my flat. And as I reach the big gate, i frantically search my jeans pockets for my keys to open it. DANG! No keys. Checks jacket pocket...no keys! *shoot* its in the kitchen! And I was lucky enough that my flatmate was home to throw her set of keys down for me. And so I dash out of the kitchen for the second time and run all the way to Iceland. Ok la, I no stamina, so i walk fast. Reached Iceland, and there it was, lying on the plastic bag table. UGH!!!
Okay, at least I got my notes back. Cant imagine what I would do if I lost them.
I cant believe how forgetful I am. I'm becoming like....WEI LIANG!! I burnt my pot after I read about how he burnt his green beans, and guess what, just after reading about how he got sticky choc on his keys, I had sticky choc on my handphone! Oh NOooooOOoooooooooOOOO!!!

Did I mention that I lost the confirmation number for my booking to go home when I reformatted my computer...? Yea, I realized I did. And so, I've to call up MAS again, and ask for it to be sorted out. Annoying!

Last few hours of studying before I give up and just snuggle into bed. I've spotted questions, and so if the questions that I 'think' will come out doesn't come out, I'm kinda dead meat. Frankly, just being enclosed in my room these 3 days have just made me feel like doing the exam as soon as possible and getting over with it.
Wish me luck!

Studying last night

I wonder when was the last time I had to sit down with a cup of ginseng bitter tea to keep me awake while memorizing a whole lot of notes. I think it was...in 2003 when I did my SAM pre-uni final paper. That was soooo long ago. Means all these times I have been slacking?? Eeeks!
I figured why I take so long to study. I spend half and hour dreaming away and doodling on my paper before finally taking the next 15 mins to understand and memorize the important points. So to do 15 mins of memorizing, I take...45 mins!
And I think, my little brain has deteriorated. I think I studied better last time, as in I could get facts into my head faster...Oh NooOoo! I'm becoming slow and stupid!!!
And yea, I wasted 45 mins last night trying to find a piece of paper where I wrote some notes down. That was just sooooo frustrating. I just knew it was on the table. I went through the huge pile of messy papers, looked on the floor, in between pages, under my text books, on my bed, under my bed...just EVERYWHERE. No paper.
My whole table just looked like it had been through a hurricane. I went through page by page...paper by paper. None. And just as I turned around in despair, there it was, firmly pinned to my pin board. Oh ya hor, I pinned it there so it wouldnt get lost! *DOINK!*
Hope I'll have a better day of studying today!
Blog later!

Am I ready to stand up?

Two weeks more before I finally return to the great land of Malaysia. Its such a nice feeling to look forward to going home..oh how I miss my family and friends. I've realized that as much as I dislike my parents (constant) nagging and lack of freedom, I've grown to miss my parents a lot. I truly am looking forward to going home.
All would be perfect, if not for a few burdens in my heart.Its been there since a couple of weeks ago. One of it is about standing up for God. Am I ready to make my stand? Am I ready to face the battle I always feared of? To be honest, I am afraid. Very afraid. Standing up for God might mean 'war'.

I dont feel ready to reason out with dad. I dont feel ready to answer him when I'm being confronted. But yet, I so strongly feel that I need to take a step further into doing something that I've desired for such a long time. Is it the right time? I need fellowship. I need church. I need cell.
What excuse am I going to give to excuse myself on Sunday mornings? It would be obvious on where I'll be going. I dont want to come up with excuses and white lies to go to church. I want to be strong for God. Yet I am scared. I dont feel strong enough. Even at the thought of it, i break down and cry. What more facing my dad face to face. Why am I so fearful of him??

And then the question...where church, what church, how church..??

I know I should trust God to open doors. Singing 'Above All' today, indeed God is above all the ways of men, so why should I fear? But right now, I dont feel strong enough.

I dont want my family to break. I dont want my mum to go through the same pain she went through before. And thinking of it now...I know I'm not trusting God enough to not worry. I admit it...I am scared...

Lord, please grant me the strength and wisdom to stand up strong for You,
I pray that You take away all my fears and insecurities.
Amen.

Struggling to study

I'm always sleepy...and I dont know what to study.
I think I've got dyslexia, coz I cant read a chunk of words let alone a whole paragraph.
I think I know my stuff, but I've got a bad feeling that I dont actually.
I dont know what to expect for the exam, coz there're no pass year papers.
Am i becoming stupid...??

A fun day out

It was officially my last day of crap Oggy Oggy waitressing yesterday! *clap clap clap clap clap* It was funny how Kate(the boss's wife) gave me such a thight hug while saying goodbye, how Ian(the boss)called me in the shop just to say goodbye. They were so nice.

Sunday...church in the morning. Message was really a 'WOW' to many of us...(i think). I guess it did speak to us in so many different ways. Just gist of it. Timing with courage. What mountain have I been at too long? How can I keep my enthusiasm and motivation for God?? So many questions for me to ponder on.

As planned..it was a fun picnic and a good game of football. Thank God, the sunshine came out when we were picnic-ing although it was kind of wet. But not to worry, the picnic mats were sufficient. Sandwiches and barbequed beef patties were for lunch...and they somewhat tasted good. As others played football, i chose to just cheer at the side, instead of humiliating myself by kicking air(instead of the ball). SuperCoolPeople vs. ScumOfTheEarth. It was a great game I believe and everyone did enjoy themselves. Towards the end...it started HAILING!! OMG! Its end of spring/beginning of summer at it was HAILING! Ouch ouch ouch...lucky to get shelter under Doff's HUGE umbrella. And so that was it. A nice windy sunny cold picnic with great fellowship. :)

Pics will be posted umm...if Tricia doesnt mind sharing?? ^_^

Gotta start studying...(meaning i havent started?? >_<)
But I think I'll procrastinate...by writing this last sentence...:P

Learning...

5 hours ago, I was furious, angry and mad. I was practically fuming with anger at something that was said about someone I loved. In other words, someone backstabbed a person I loved. And what was worse is that, whatever that person said...I believe it was untrue.

But I guess it has gotten into me now, that there is no reason I should be mad over it. No matter how unfair it may seem...it doesnt really matter. People may say what they want to say, but at the end of the day, who cares about what people say about that person I love, I still love him as he is, and for who he is. I still respect him ever so much...nothing has changed.

I dislike politics. I dont understand why people have to be hypocrites. I dont like the way people say things just to make themselves feel superior or good.

But I guess I choose not to be affected by what people say.

Now and again, i'm reminded of how Jesus was condemned by almost everybody...how they spit on him, how they said things that were untrue...but instead of defending himself, or retaliating, he chose to be silent.
I wonder whether I'll be able to do that...

Missing ALL of you!

I miss everyone tonight. I'm emotionally crazy. I miss everyone u can ever think of...and thats why I'm chatting online now instead of studying (yea yea great excuse). But I'm serious, I miss the whole wide world. And I've sent out emails to most of my friends...coz i miss them. Not very likely of me to email people...I'm a really bad email reply-er.

Even though I'm going back in like 3 weeks, its just funny how I wont be able to meet everybody I want to meet. Well, its good that Benji will be back. At least I get to catch up with him. But...a very important person, my great friend Dinah...I just miss her... And coz she's in Aussie and I'm in UK, our summer's dont coincide. And I just wonder when when when I'll ever get to meet her...

And when I leave and return to Cov, I know it wont be the same. And I'm gonna miss the people who 'were' here too. The third years and post grads are graduating and going home... And its starting to sink into me, that I'm so gonna miss them too. Jen, Wei Liang, Tricia, Eliza, Ade Koh....please dont go?? :(

Prawn Salad, Toffee cake and Mahjong

Eliza's birthday...went for her get together dinner thing. It was a good get-together...but the prawn salad wasnt really ummm...satisfying. Should have gotten something better eh? Why prawn salad?? Coz it was cheaper and i wasnt really hungry??

Went back to Tricia's place for cake that someone gave Eliza. Mmmmm....it was REALLY good. Everyone was 'MMMmmmmm-ing' away at their first bite. Really something that someone should try...

Back home by bus, and decided to stop by Jen's place to drink water. Coz i was REALLY thirsty. And there were people playing mahjong. And I decided to learn. And I decided to play. And I like the game!! Thanks Jireh, wonderful teacher. ;)
Can you imagine four mahjong 'kaki's' staying together next year?? Hmmm....I wonder what we'll be up to...
And so I'm back here, almost ready to doze off...

Oh, stats test went well. Was kinda freaking out before the test, coz people that had taken the test a session before were complaining that the test was SUPER hard. And I was kinda 'kan cheong'. But...seems like it was alright. Fingers cross, I shouldnt need to worry at all. :)

Finding comfort

My fingers are refraining from typing a text message. Over and over again, I browse through SMS.AC only to close that window because I change my mind. I admit I've nothing important to say, but I just feel like talking, or communicating. But I dont have a good reason to sms that person.

These few days...something's not right with me. Not just the sleeping problem, but I'm kinda getting pains in my abdomen, and little headaches? I dont know whether its just psychological from not sleeping. Or is it stress which I totally dont realize??
Exams are drawing near...is it exam stress??
Yea, how hard can a Coventry Uni exam be?? Thats the point!! Because its not expected to be of great standard, I've got to do well, I've got to get really high marks!! Even though it doesnt count to what degree I'm getting...I want to prove myself!

And so through all these bits and bumps of my last few weeks in Coventry before I finally get a break in the great land of Malaysia, I kinda wish that he's there when i want to talk to him. I dont want to demand his time anymore, I want him to have his life...but is it that hard supporting someone so far away?? I know i tried...

Maybe I shouldnt dwell in him, but rather dwell in the greater Him. I need comfort...

Today's blog

Been getting better sleep these couple of nights. At least I don feel like a zombie walking around...

There's a test tomorrow, and somehow I am worried about it. Its so weird coz I normally dont get worked up over these small tests, plus I've already passed the module...so I actually dont need to worry about it at all! But I guess its not just about passing or failing, I do want to get high marks etc etc.

I'm kinda missing someone...

I've got a big problem

I cant seem to fall asleep. Suffering from a mile temporary insomia maybe??

Gone are the days where i just fell asleep almost immediatly when i put my head on the pillow, and wake up only 10 mins after the alarm clock had gone off.
I take ages to fall asleep, and i wake up every few hours in between. And in the end, I just get fed up trying to sleep again, and so i wake up long before my alarm goes off.
Its annoying, coz my body is soooo terribly tired, but I just cant seem to fall asleep.

Someone help me!! I feel like shooting myself.