Stubborn

Put into a corner, where the only thing left to do is to surrender.
Yet as stubborn as a mule, I refuse to take it before Him.
Why??
I refuse to let tears flow. I refuse to show that I am in someway hurt by it. And that although I know I shouldnt let it hurt me, the fact is I am.
Why should I get upset over something like that...why does it mean so much to me??
I'm tired of thinking...
I need need need to let it go.

Heeee Haaaa!!

Those words still ring in my mind.

So instead of being moody and sad, I decided to laugh it out. Went drunk for about 3 hours and laughed my head off. Annoyed EeYan so much that he's probably mad at me now. Me and my wonderful childish games...I'm turning 20, but I dont think I'll ever grow up!

And yay, i tired myself out. Am quite tired at the moment...after 3 hours of crazy laughing. Oh, I actually laughed by myself...with my cousin laughing at me. I've gone mental.
So hopefully, I'll get to sleep without massive explosive headache's or painful words playing in my head.

Oh heck, the words still keep ringing.

Rebelious

Yup, I feel like i'm thirteen again. Just want to rebel, so I can prove that you're so right.
So right now, I just want to pull a long face and be anti-social. I just wanna be a slob and lazy. I just wanna starve myself so I'll be aneorexic thin. Then maybe you'll really hate me...and I'll congratulate you for getting it right.

I dont wanna hate you...I dont wanna be bitter. So please, please dont hate me. Please please stop ruining it for me. Please stop judging me. Because the more I think about the words you say, the more angry i become. The more bitter i become.

I'm thinking of just getting out of your way, so you wont have to judge me anymore. And so I wont have to be compared with some church girl.

I'm me. Will always be me.
Not a cheerful, big sized girl who knows how to play badminton.

Who I am, is not who you want me to be...

I've just got the urge to blog now...coz that something is so on my mind.

Someone just told me something, and honestly, I didnt take it very well. It felt like someone just used a shot-gun and shot me in the heart.

Its just like someone came up to you...and told you straight in the face "I hate you". And that someone is a person who you long to please, and make a good impression.
Or its like how your teacher compares you to your friend, and tells you straight in the face how lousy you are compared to your friend. Its just a very 'ouch' feeling.

I feel incompetent, I feel incomplete, I feel helpless.

Why am I being judged?? You dont even know me...why do you have to compare me?? Am I that bad a person? Am I not worthy??

I console myself saying, "Jesus loves me even though you don't." Therefore, I shall not feel incompetent, I shall not feel incomplete.

Specially for Josh...

William's Pandan Chicken!

Where do I go?

Hi blog...its been long.

I've attended youth group and cell for the pass two weeks. All praise to God. It has been somewhat great as there isn't much problems with my dad. In fact, so far there isnt any. And so all the problems I've been anticipating...God really opened the way for me.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm going for that particular youth just because. It seems like the only door open, but is it only coz I've not been seeking enough? Am I still taking the easy way out? Or am I meant to be put there? I'm quite at peace with where I am...but is it only coz that is where my human flesh wants to be?? Where do you want me, Lord...where??
Before I came back, I was thinking..."As long as its church, and somewhere where I can fellowship and find support, anywhere is fine." But now, I start to think whether the 'anywhere' is what is best. Is this the best??

Honestly, it is hard fitting in into a new cell group. Its much different from The SuperCoolPeople cell but nevertheless its soil where I can grow.

I guess I just have to thank God for all He has given me, and just continue to seek Him. Maybe I shouldnt think so much as for where I should go and just trust that He would open the right doors for me.

*Feedback would much be appreciated*

Silence

Hello hello...

Pardon me for the long silence. I just didnt really have the 'extra' and free time to sit down and write.
Things have been going well, dont really feel like explaining a great deal...but aint got to worry about me.
Was just having an insticnt this morning, and I confirmed that it was true. And coz of that, I'm up pretty early though I slept really late last night.
The same problem I knew a year ago, I thought I had overcome, is still haunting me. Sometimes it just get frustrating when I pray and pray about something, and then I think that everything is okay, but then suddenly I just realize that its all the same. Which makes me re-think again about the same question that kept popping up in my head when things went bumpy.
I doubt...
Is it me??? If it is, whats wrong with me???
Btw, I'm contemplating on closing down this blog, as I feel like I cant be fully transparent in everything I say. I guess I'm getting lots of readers, and sometimes I dont feel comfortable sharing my feelings with people I dont know..?

Its my third week home...maybe I should start finding a job...

Step of Faith

And so I've decided that tomorrow I shall go to church. Told my mum, she's cool about it. Told my dad I'll be going out but he didnt ask any further questions.
Whats in store for me tomorrow, I dont know...but things seem to be going smoothly.
Praise the Lord.