Goodbye

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Thanks for all the support, friends. Thanks for all the encouragement. God bless.

This blog has officially closed.

No more blog...

I've almost decided. I will stop blogging. At least not on this particular blog.
Why?
I don't feel as open anymore. I find it hard to let my emotions run. I've run out of what I can write.

So for my last entry, let me just pour out my emotions publicly for the very last time.

This week has been hard. Emotionally and spiritually hard. Very frankly, I havent been spending enough time with God. And just as I ask God for confirmation about something..."BANG!" I get hit bad in the face. But still I take it as a lesson, I still stubbornly refuse to accept any confirmation. Maybe its coz I'm not ready at all. And no matter how many times I say "God, have your way. Take everything you want away from me" I still realize after all the lessons and years of surrendering, here I am still holding on thight to something I should release.
Maybe the only way I really can surrender, is when I really have no other choice...totally helpless. Just like how I'm forced into a corner now, and I have no other comfort other than Jesus...
All in all, this week's youth really encouraged me.

Lord, I really want to surrender. Please remind me to surrender.

Its hard to say goodbye

The thought of travelling to the airport with a trunk full of luggage makes me solemn and sad.
Following the arrows showing 'departure', pulling up in front of the automatic glass doors, getting a trolley to unload the luggages and slowly pushing the trolley to the check-in counter. Get your boarding pass, walk past the McDonalds on your right. "Goodbye. Take care." Walk pass the officers and there's the escalator down towards imigression. Many turn back to wave, but I still remember walking straight without turning back. Tears fill my eyes, as I blink to stop it from falling. As I pass the imigression, I force myself to take a last look at my parents still standing up there. Mum's teary... I can't look any more, I'll start crying.
Goodbye's are always so sad. I made sure none of my friends were there to see me off. Coz with so many people there, by the time you've hugged the 5th person, you cant hold back your tears any longer.

Joram's leaving in a few hours. I didnt meet up with him although I said I would. I'm feeling bad...

Glory to God

Been trying to get my online results for the past week, but my results didnt seem to be showing. Tried to postpone calling the uni up. Anyway, checked the results again last night. Yay, results were up...went through my results.
Passed
Passed
Passed
Passed
Passed
Passed
*sigh of relieve*
The went on the check my overall module mark. Aiks...didnt do as well as I wanted to. Had a 67 and 68, which I had wished would be at least 70.
*kiasu-ness*
And so I went to inform my parents.
A little later, was bored so I went back to the results page to just read everything.
And realized...coz my overall achievement was good, I had been awarded a Course Tutor's Prize of 100 pounds!
Thats a quarter of my airticket home for Christmas!! :D

Yea, Cov Uni is easy...but still...God is great even with little trivial things like this.

Stubborn

Put into a corner, where the only thing left to do is to surrender.
Yet as stubborn as a mule, I refuse to take it before Him.
Why??
I refuse to let tears flow. I refuse to show that I am in someway hurt by it. And that although I know I shouldnt let it hurt me, the fact is I am.
Why should I get upset over something like that...why does it mean so much to me??
I'm tired of thinking...
I need need need to let it go.

Heeee Haaaa!!

Those words still ring in my mind.

So instead of being moody and sad, I decided to laugh it out. Went drunk for about 3 hours and laughed my head off. Annoyed EeYan so much that he's probably mad at me now. Me and my wonderful childish games...I'm turning 20, but I dont think I'll ever grow up!

And yay, i tired myself out. Am quite tired at the moment...after 3 hours of crazy laughing. Oh, I actually laughed by myself...with my cousin laughing at me. I've gone mental.
So hopefully, I'll get to sleep without massive explosive headache's or painful words playing in my head.

Oh heck, the words still keep ringing.

Rebelious

Yup, I feel like i'm thirteen again. Just want to rebel, so I can prove that you're so right.
So right now, I just want to pull a long face and be anti-social. I just wanna be a slob and lazy. I just wanna starve myself so I'll be aneorexic thin. Then maybe you'll really hate me...and I'll congratulate you for getting it right.

I dont wanna hate you...I dont wanna be bitter. So please, please dont hate me. Please please stop ruining it for me. Please stop judging me. Because the more I think about the words you say, the more angry i become. The more bitter i become.

I'm thinking of just getting out of your way, so you wont have to judge me anymore. And so I wont have to be compared with some church girl.

I'm me. Will always be me.
Not a cheerful, big sized girl who knows how to play badminton.

Who I am, is not who you want me to be...

I've just got the urge to blog now...coz that something is so on my mind.

Someone just told me something, and honestly, I didnt take it very well. It felt like someone just used a shot-gun and shot me in the heart.

Its just like someone came up to you...and told you straight in the face "I hate you". And that someone is a person who you long to please, and make a good impression.
Or its like how your teacher compares you to your friend, and tells you straight in the face how lousy you are compared to your friend. Its just a very 'ouch' feeling.

I feel incompetent, I feel incomplete, I feel helpless.

Why am I being judged?? You dont even know me...why do you have to compare me?? Am I that bad a person? Am I not worthy??

I console myself saying, "Jesus loves me even though you don't." Therefore, I shall not feel incompetent, I shall not feel incomplete.